Hello World,
I hope you all are doing great and prepared to have an amazing Christmas if you celebrate it, if you don't its okay. You do you, boo boo. I am feeling incredibly hopeful about salvaging what I can for my family. I refuse to give up on them. During my disassociation, I had to relive ALL of my trauma mentally, emotionally, and physically over and over until I processed it to a point it doesn't bother me. This resulted in RAGE presenting on the outside and I had to say some mean things to the people in my life and hold them accountable for their actions. I am remaining hopeful that we can still salvage something, or it would be even better if they were on board from the start and didn't take anything personal. Either way, I will accept the outcome, I have already emotionally prepared myself for the worst possible outcome.
I have talked about my brother before and his choice to abandon me. I gave him an entire year to get his shit together and show a sign of support, I got crickets. Even following me on social media would be okay, but instead him and his daughter chose to block my main accounts and want nothing to do with me. I told him at Christmas of 2023 he was forgiven, yet he chose his path, so I held him accountable, you can read about it here.
The same goes for my sister. I gave her a chance, she did have the white cooler show up at my house, which I mentioned in this blog posts. I said I would take it as a sign of respect that she believed me. She also chose to block me, as well as she taught her children to treat people with disabilities despairingly. It has always bothered me how she has raised her kids and the lifestyle she exposed them too. I didn't want to report her, but enough is enough. Idaho state law requires teachers and coaches to report this type of behavior or we can be held accountable. I failed to drop the hammer on her when I was teaching and coaching and it has always bothered me, so I finally decided to hold her accountable.
I am hopeful they both get over it and grow the fuck up. I have been right in front of them for years trying to have a relationship with them and be myself and they refused to be accepting. I am hoping they have learned a few lessons in this and can apply those lessons. After ALL of this, they were and still are forgiven for being complicit, but not for their actions since Christmas of 2023. I am curious about their lives, love making them laugh, and want them to benefit from what I am capable of. There is still hope, but only time will tell if they can rise up to my expectations of how to treat people. If not, oh well, they are the ones missing out on my life. My life has been pretty fucking amazing given the circumstances. I put up a wall between myself and my family my entire life, and so far Bill is the only one who was able to get through it, maybe he can teach them how.
Another relationship I am hopeful for is that with my son. My son is the twin of the child I buried at 16 and older brother of his half-sister who passed away too. He has a great job, a great wife, and my GRANDDAUGHTER. I had to say mean things to him as I was going through this journey, and I am not proud of it, but they needed to be said to get it out of my system. I hope he is understanding of that and didn't take it personal.
When the due date came for my granddaughter, I was insistent on driving to Arizona and being there to support him and his wife. I spent over $1,000 at Costco on baby formula, diapers, food for them, energy drinks, I wanted them to be as comfortable as possible during those first few weeks of my granddaughter being born. I also wanted to talk to my son about my borderline and my situation. He was told ahead of time by someone that we needed to have this conversation when I got to Arizona. Unfortunately, my abuser insisted on coming with my wife, son, and I on the trip. I don't know if that was genuine, if she sniffed it out, or both, but she couldn't take a hint. I couldn't visit my son without her there. My son tried to talk to me but I had to tell him "I can't talk now, she's one of my abusers" and I left it at that. We didn't get to have the talk that we needed to have, I wanted to let him know the entire plan so he would understand what I was going through. This was the one and only time I got to hold my granddaughter, it has been a long time. I hope it wasn't the last.
I am sorry for the mean things I had to say to him, but at the same time he earned them with how he treated me. Anytime I have ever held him accountable he abandons me for years, refuses to speak, and then will pop up out of nowhere. I can not handle that kind of treatment from someone, either accept me and be loyal or get out permanently. Due to the bubble I am in, he can't really say anything to me even if he understood, so I am hoping when the bubble pops, that he is there with his family. I have emailed him and told him this before, so only time will tell on this one.
I am still hopeful my abuser will do the right thing, settle with me and compensate me for the injuries I have sustained because of her abuse, the beatings, the attempted murder, the attempts of isolating, and the meddling in my relationships. She needs to settle with me before I will ever forgive her, until then she gets to wear the MASK. I can see it on her face right now as I type this, it makes me smile and laugh when anyone has to put the MASK on. She also needs to publicly apologize and own her actions. If she does those two things, I will allow her back in my life, if not, she is a grown adult, you do you, boo boo.
I will always look for the positive in any situation. I will help guide those who need help, but they have to be the ones to do the work on themselves. Only time will tell what kind of character they all have.
Thank you,
Mikey