Hello World,
Today I am going to blog about my therapy and praise those who helped me feel safe during a very vulnerable period in my life. The night jackass showed up at my house to murder me, I was already undergoing the therapy to disassociate as Mikey and had no choice but to let RAGE present himself on the outside. RAGE is my protector, he is the persona of me that was created by my abuser to protect me. Think of fight or flight, now apply that to a little kid, and then what would a little kid have to do to stand up for himself and stop the abuse?
Some people run during these kind of moments and some people fight. I am a fighter, there for RAGE is a fighter, but he acts as a body guard, he is my protector. He is the one that will tell you to fuck off to your face if I feel the need to. I won't speak as Mikey to say something like that to anyone, but I will let RAGE do it, it is more impactful coming from him. Don't worry, he is locked away now, I let him come out to play when I game, and if I am ever in danger and need to defend myself, I am trained in Krav Maga. Can you IMAGINE the Incredible Hulk not only "smashing" but being trained in hand-to-hand self-defense?
When I had to disassociate I knew it would be for a few years, and that RAGE would be on the outside protecting me while I had to relive all my trauma over and over, and learn how to do EMDR on myself, all while proving my competency, executing this whole plan, and blah blah blah, I think you get the point by now. One of the things I asked for people to do was show me signs of support. I asked some of my friends, my adopted family, and a few organizations to show me signs of support along the way.
I asked my friends to call me during Christmas of 2023 right before I would have to ID my attacker again. I gave them clear instructions as to what to say and not say to me. They were told to talk about certain topics. Before I share what I asked my friends to do, I am going to take a short detour to explain how I came up with this.
I learned this concept in the Marines and applied it to my situation in a unique way. During my service, the TOW Platoon was sent to Fort Irwin for the Army's annual force on force drill. I worked in the TOW armory and was given the opportunity to go with them. We were supposed to act as Guerilla's and attack both sides. We were supposed to be the rebels of a country that didn't like our government but also wanted to fight the invaders. There were referees to ensure that when we "blew something up" or "killed" someone that they were taken out of commission per the rules of the event. The Army had to deal with the damage that we did and adapt.
One night we attacked one of their bases at like 0200 hours. Our Platoon Commander was fucking awesome, he was into White Zombie, the Matrix, just a cool guy all around, if you see this sir, reach out, I owe you a beer and you know why. During the attack we needed a system incase we got separated from each other so that we could avoid friendly fire. During the attack I "killed" 55 Army soldiers that night, including a Colonel, I shot a ton of them while they were asleep, and we ambushed choke points of where they would be moving in side their camp. I even snuck up behind an E 6 and put my bayonet to his throat and said "I got you." He was scared and the ref said keep it in the sheath next time, lol.
My fire team was one of the first to make it back to our rendezvous point, once we got there we set up a perimeter to ensure that anyone who came was a friendly. We would yell, WHITE, and the proper response was to be ZOMBIE. We had one enemy get with in range of us, and when we challenged him with WHITE his response was GREEN. He had to go. They eventually found our location and took us out with Abram Tanks, complete horse shit, we had nothing to fight tanks. I still have the challenge coin their base general gave me. Ask about the bar fight sometime. The Mason's do this kind of a system as well so we can verify if a someone we don't know is a Brother or not. This system helped me feel secure. I knew I had the support to hold my abusers accountable as well as jackass.
Some of my friends chose to not believe in me and I lost them because of this, oh well, that is life, you are all still welcome back, we can pick up where we left off. Here are some of the examples of how I incorporated my system. One of my adopted family members was told to call me and talk to me about "noise cancelling" headphones. He was supposed to recommend Bose being the best and my response was supposed to talk about how German sound quality is better and that I prefer Klipsch, I ended up buying Bose, LOL. Another family member wanted me to talk about owning the Avengers jet! There are other examples out there yet to be revealed, so stay tuned! I set this up before I went to law enforcement to make sure I would be able to feel supported without violating the rules I knew the Judge was going to put in place around my bubble.
I asked Connection is the Cure to do something similar if they had my back. I had approached their Executive Director years ago at a mental health fair about working together She ended up doing her research into me and Disability Rights Idaho. I felt we were all aligned for the same purpose. I told her that I was going to be acting really weird but told her that I was going to be holding my abusers accountable in a public way and if they wanted to support me and work together when this was done, that they needed to do a few things. The most recent "bread crumb" from them was the Battle of the Bands event they held. It happened to land on my birthday too. I asked them to throw a Battle of the Bands event for one of their annual events, so they did, and even sent me a flyer. That was another sign they still had my back.
I left a lot of these little "bread crumbs" around with all sorts of different people. I had to be in a bubble for years and it is very scary, especially when someone wants to murder you. No one was ever allowed to confirm anything I talked about or approach me to talk about anything. I felt very vulnerable while I was disassociated and recovering. I used the bread crumbs as motivation to keep fighting and working to heal and also to feel safe because if they were doing that, then I knew the plan I came up with was working. I can't thank everyone involved enough in that. Let's get dinner sometime.
The other way I felt very secure was by law enforcement and our legal system in general. I knew when I had to disassociate and that they could only detain my attacker for a short time because of my mental state. I asked the judge for an order of protection and I asked law enforcement for all available assets to protect me to include asking for the FBI to get involved. During this disassociated time I had to have all of my internet traffic monitored by the authorities, as well as my they took files off my devices, this put me in a bubble, but the feeling of constant surveillance for 2-3 years was hard to accept, so I just said fuck it, I will be me, but it did drive some paranoia during this time. I even said they could broadcast what I was doing to the world, not sure if they did, but it felt like the world was watching me during that time.
I don't know what steps law enforcement took to protect me. I knew my attacker would be free while I recovered and had a motive to finish the job, this would have benefited him and my abusers, so I felt very paranoid and scared the closer we got to Christmas of 2023. Things I noticed in my neighborhood were some of the things I asked them to do to make me feel protected. I did ask for an FBI surveillance van. I happened to notice an RV parked in my neighborhood that abided by our HOA rules. This meant it couldn't sit in one spot for more than three days at a time. This RV bounced around the neighborhood. I don't know if that was law enforcement or just a smart neighbor, but either way it made me feel safe because that is something law enforcement would do. I also noticed an Ada County Sheriff's Deputy parked in the back of my subdivision multiple times, again I don't know if he was there as a show of force, but I felt protected.
Once I had enough "bread crumbs" to feel safe I felt comfortable enough to identify my attacker again and start the next step of my plan which was me, voluntarily putting myself on involuntary holds so I could rest and audit the facilities I went to while I recovered from the EMDR I performed on myself at Christmas. I coordinated this with Disability Rights Idaho. I told the police that when they came in December of 2023 and July of 2024 that under no circumstance do they allow me to stay at home. I told them to force me to go, and if you violate my rights, just show me the emails and video and I would comply. They had ZERO problems with me both times, and I had no problems with them, not only did they interact with me appropriately, they never once violated my rights or pulled a weapon on someone in a mental health crisis. We had a GREAT conversation about how to improve how they respond to crisis response. The first hold, the body cameras show me messing around because of the high energy, fear, paranoia, and anxiety I had. The second hold, well those I was a smart ass too and tried to be funny on camera.
I want to acknowledge the Boise Police Department, the Ada County Sheriff's Department, the Meridian Police Department and anyone else that is a first responder of any sort who was involved in this. From start to finish of this process they have been nothing but respectful and kind to me. They made me feel like they had my back, and were able to interact with me and my disabilities appropriately all the time.
They were told to use the same system at Christmas of 2023, and it is on both video, email, and body camera. Before I agreed to go on the hold, they were in my house, and they had to do the same system to build trust that I was safe. They all were doing their best to contain their laughter because they became believers that day, it was all over their faces. I asked about "My Loved" ones and if they were protected. They were supposed to respond with "All proper steps have been taken." The officer that had that role stuttered a few times trying to remember the proper response and then he let it out. It is on body camera.
Please show them some love on X. Remember they can't comment on an on going investigation.
X: Boise PD, Meridian PD, Ada County Sheriff
Thank you ALL for making me feel protected and safe during this.
Thank you,+
Mikey