Hello World,
***Disclaimer*** when you click on the links, look at the description of each page at the top of your browser. I put messages, clues, and my opinions as a page title. You might laugh, you might be confused, you might get it. It is up to you to ask me for clarification.***
I first "picked up the sticks" at a very young age. The first video game I ever played was "Pong" on the family Atari. For some reason I was drawn to it the moment I saw it and I became a "gamer" that day. I am not ashamed to say I am a gamer and never will be. We all have different hobbies and interest. Over time gaming turned into a passion of mine. What are you passionate about?
I know what EMDR is now, which is essentially "consciously tapping into the memories our sub-conscious." It is not being hypnotized, you are fully aware of what you are talking about. You start at your most recent traumatic experience and with in minutes you will be crying. The more you talk about the thoughts and memories that pop up while in this state, the more memories that were suppressed will start flowing. Eventually you end up and the 2nd most recent traumatic event, and it just continues. The entire time you are supposed to be with a therapist to help you process your emotions.
To get into the EMDR state of mine, you brain has to be bilaterally stimulated and there are a TON of ways to this. It turns out video games is a milder form of EMDR without us realizing it. The constant stimulation of your eyes scanning the screen is the bi-lateral stimulation that is needed. If you add on thinking about memories, or talking about your bad day while gaming, it turns into a very mild form of EMDR. Long before online gaming was a thing, I played a lot of games "solo" and would think about the abuse, bullying, essentially everything I was going through. Overtime, this became a way for me to "trauma dump" and regulate my emotions.
The dissociative part of Borderline Personality Disorder came into effect during this too. My mind would be thinking of one thing and my body was just reacting to what was in front of me. Another state of mind was the competitive side of me when I played against others, in this state of mind I would focus both body and mind. Thus I eventually learned how to disassociate over time whenever I needed to without knowing what disassociating was at the time. The great part of disassociating was was how fast time passed for me. It made dealing with the abuse and trauma a lot easier.
As a kid I played all sorts of games and had different gaming systems. We had an Atari, Nintendo, Gameboy, Super Nintendo, Nintendo 64, Sega Genesis, Sega Dream Cast, and by the time I was 18 I had my first PlayStation. The only time I was able to compete was against extended family or with friends, for the most part gaming was a solo thing for me where I went to regulate myself. It has and will always be an escape for me. During my time in the Marine Corps I did have a gaming PC and the first game I played on it was Fallout Tactics. Then it broke, and I was unable to regulate myself thus helping leading to some of the behavioral problems I had from my Borderline. During my time in the Marines I won $2,500 playing blackjack at the casino in Temecula. This happened to be the day before the first X, BOX was release, so I spent some of my winnings buying one, but it ended up getting the red ring of death.
After I got out of the Marines I got another X, BOX and signed up for X, BOX Live the first day it dropped, December 1st, 2003. I met friends on that day that I still play with, visit, and communicate with 21 years later. These same friends that I met happened to be present when I was finally able to unlock myself from the "RAGE" persona. We had a blast gaming, and they knew of my disabilities and always protected me from the bullies online if I needed them too. When the first "Zombies" came out for Call of Duty's Black Ops we played that a ton and zombies has turned into a great way to regulate myself.
I have been an Apple guy for a long time and made a playlist that would sync to the vibe and flow of playing a game like zombies. The music I listened eventually became associated with all of the memories I have tied to zombies and to this day I still rock out to the same playlist, its just grown over time. Music happens to act as a form of bilateral stimulation for the brain, it is both ears listening to and processing the sound wave. Gaming has been such a great stress release for me and relaxation tool, it always helped relax me, but keep in mind, when I play zombies there are now two forms of bilateral stimulation occurring for the brain, audio & visual.
With the relaxed state of mind I am always in playing zombies, the two forms of bilateral stimulation and people my age who still are my friends, I finally felt comfortable being my true-self around people. One night we had an epic gaming session and till this day I don't remember it, Matt and Chris would have to tell you the story from their perspectives, but with all of the elements I listed combined, I was able to be Mikey over the headset without fear of ridicule or abuse. That night I ended up confiding in Matt and Chris about my abuse, till this day I don't remember it.
The next day was awkward for Matt and Chris, the asked if I happened to remember last night, in which I said yeah we played zombies all night, but that was all I was able to recall anything else. They eventually said something really weird but cool happened and explained to me what went down. Then they made me feel validated and not judged and said they would always have my back. This was the validation I needed to hear my entire life, but never got. Most people who believed me still had a hard time being around me.
Over the years I started using my playlist and playing fast tempo games like zombies to help myself relax and I ended up getting really good at video games because I was just reacting naturally to what was in front of me. This developed great muscle memory. My first gamertag ever was "Red Ross" because I got called that in the Marines for how pissed I would appear to everyone, it had nothing to do with Ross from Friends. All of my friends learned that my reactions to the competitive side of gaming was me having fun. They learned that the inappropriate behavior, intense reactions and vulgar language was just me being me, because after that moment, I was right back to "normal" not even a second later. The supported me in developing "Coach RAGE" and my content, it sucks I had to go into hiding or I would be big time by now.
Games I am truly competitive are Call of Duty's Hardcore Search & Destroy, Madden, NCAA Football, Splinter Cell. They all require focus and if you want to be good at them you have to be intelligent enough to adjust your strategy every game to adapt to what your opponents are doing, so hardcore search and Splinter Cell I was great at, I used to be in the top 100 in the world for hardcore search, and I was number 2 in the world on the last Splinter Cell made. You have to be able to fight, strategize, be stealthy, and be able to adapt on the fly, all things I am great at. Madden and NCAA football were competitive for me because I love and understand the game of football very well, my football IQ is very high too, so losing, especially to gimmick offenses always pissed me off, these were the games that started leading to "RAGE" coming out and breaking controllers. As you can see, different games and types of games I have a different disassociate state for each one when, it all depends what's on my mind. When its clear I compete, when its busy I just react to what is in front of me.
I am hoping this is making sense to you. While in college I had access to a ton of educational databases, since my classes were so simple for me, I spent a lot of my time researching and educating myself on psychology, I was looking for a way to unlock my brain so, I, could be free. Eventually learned what "rapid eye movement desensitization" was and I made the connection that playing zombies the way I do equaled "rapid eye movement desensitization."
The history of our research of the human brain is about 100 years old, and it wasn't until the 1980's that EMDR was coined as a term, but at the time, it was viewed as "snake oil." I didn't hear the term EMDR until the fallout of my suicide attempt. My equine therapist ran a program that had some of the top psychological minds in the world working together to address trauma. One of these minds belonged to the founder of EMDR, Francine Shapiro. Unfortunately she passed away during my therapy and road to recovery but her work continued. I never got to meet her, but my equine therapist got to learn from her and when they worked together they were using all of these different modalities, equine assisted psychotherapy, breathwork, brain wave feedback, and EMDR to address trauma in Veterans and law enforcement officers. The one thing they all had in common wasn't combat, it was childhood trauma.
Days after my suicide attempt my equine therapist was showing up at my house and setting everything up for me to start therapy and recovery. At this time in my life I was Mike and RAGE on the outside everywhere I went, but only Mikey around my wife and friends. One of the first mornings after I was out of the hospital I went to my equine session and the bilateral stimulation from working with the horses and feeding off the energy of "Malaki" the therapy horse I was working with, I was in such a state of relaxation and trusted all the therapist that I was able to disassociate from "Mike and RAGE" and bring myself, Mikey to the forefront. "Mike and RAGE" had to black out for this to happen and I wasn't fully alert yet, so I don't remember all that happened other than the fact that I confided about my abuse to them and they contacted the authorities for me. My therapist said I "came alive" and it was alike a giant burst of energy to "normal" people, but I consider this level of energy as normal.
This was the first day to my recovery, and the day I said enough was enough with my abusers. My main abuser happened to show up to the emergency room I was taken too, and whispered in my ear that she had won, that she was happy to see me die. This ignited RAGE and lit the fire for me to fight back and hold these bastards accountable. She also tried to have me committed during this time but she lost that fight because she is too stupid to realize what civil rights everyone has, and she was a nurse. Sad.
I was able to do 10 hours of EMDR during this first week of recovery too. I did what is called "Intensive EMDR." These sessions lasted 3 hours and 20 minutes each. Normal EMDR is only one hour sessions and most insurance companies will only pay for the one hour sessions of EMDR, this include the VA. I understand why, doing intensive EMDR can be very challenging for the brain. It is a last resort to do intensive EMDR, in my opinion you have to be very strong physically and emotionally to handle it, but if you can, you will make far better progress in those long sessions than you will ever do in the short sessions. This is due to the subconscious being opened up a lot longer and the memories will come flooding in after a while. Compared to the shorter sessions which by the time you are in a state to get deep into the memories your session is over.
The beauty of my experience is that after Francine passed away, one of her proteges, Stephen Ammann, is now considered the world's leading expert on EMDR. Now this is either fate or luck, but either way it turned out that Stephen happens to live and has a private practice right here in the Treasure Valley. He was part of the network that my equine therapist had, and I did my first 10 hours of EMDR at his practice, and learned how to properly conduct in on myself. I couldn't afford more and the VA will only do EMDR for Combat Veterans.
The plan MY TEAM came up with was to get as educated as I could about EMDR while I was in my dissociative state of my recovery and when I was emotionally, physically, and mentally strong enough, I would conduct EMDR on myself. Which happened to be the Christmas of 2023. I recorded ever minute of it as well as live streamed it. How I did the EMDR to myself was very dangerous, and I knew it would leave me in a state of exhaustion and vulnerability so I told the authorities what to expect and how to handle me when they were supposed to come check on me. I also told them to place me on an involuntary hold for both rounds of my form of EMDR so I would be forced to rest, and at the facilities I coordinated with Disability Rights Idaho on my plan to audit both facilities while I was resting. The judge on my commitment even emphasized that I get REST. We also did this so the dumbasses defense attorneys can't argue about my competency because two different facilities released me, and they can't do that if I wasn't competent. Also the plan with the authorities and Disability Rights Idaho shows a level of sophistication that incompetent people can't conduct.
Now back to myself conducted EMDR sessions during Christmas of 2023. I added my Hue Lights to my list of bilateral stimulation and had all the lights in my man cave synced to my playlist that I use for zombies and fast paced games. Due to the familiarity of Call of Duty's newest version of Modern Warfare, and the gaming community. I was able to make the experience feel like it did when I confided in Chris and Matt on X, BOX. This is an example of associating. I used the energy burst I got from this to set up and organize my stream.
The other part of my EMDR that made this very dangerous was that I did about 30 hours of EMDR in about a 48 hour window, this left me mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted, the body cameras from the Crisis Team I picked out will show you how I was behaving on the outside, it was horrible, but on the inside I was calm and ready to stand up for myself. I think it is clear why I told the police to force me on a hold to rest.
Keep in mind, If you have been following, remember I explained the difference between procedural and declarative memory before I started this and laid out each step of this journey on camera, if you saw it you know what I am talking about. The next step in my road to recovery was having a plan if my abuser refused to agree to my terms when I confronted her at Christmas of 2023. I knew I would have to do a few more rounds of EMDR after that Christmas whether she accepted her defeat or not. When my wife went out of town during the Summer of 2024, I was recovered enough to start my next round of EMDR, in which I channeled the burst of energy from that session into creating this website and organizing my advocacy tools.
I made a post during Thanksgiving of 2024 announcing I was healed. I will always have my disabilities, they are a part of me and defines who I am. The sad thing is that I have to keep strict boundaries about who I allow around me and my environment to make sure I am able to be myself. This is why I can't let my abuser in my life anymore, and why I can't allow my siblings and their families in my life until they are able to conduct themselves appropriately around me. To much stress and attempts of playing games with me can be a trigger for RAGE to come out.
This Christmas of 2024 I am back to a point where playing zombies or fast paced games is a healthy way to deal with my emotions and thoughts again. I am able to compete at Hardcore Search again, be witty, funny, and sarcastic when talking smack. My wife is also out of town again right now, so I am blogging about his, as well as contacted the police and identified the man who wanted to murder me again. Everyone I have contacted and tried to get to talk to me about all of this has been appropriate in their responses and not confirming anything I have mentioned, they have only wished me good vibes in their responses.
This proves I am able to articulate myself logical and produce content like this without the help of anyone. Check my wife's digital footprint and itinerary. Check my digital footprint and my family and friends digital footprint, plus I am live streaming and gaming on camera while I type this out. Thus proving my competency yet again and proving I have been credible every time I have spoken to the authorities about my abuse and the jackass who wanted to murder me. Their is nothing his defense attorneys can do to argue I am incompetent in any way now.
You will notice this blog shifted from EMDR & Gaming to how I am holding him accountable. This is how my brain works, thoughts connect to things I talk about, which may see illogical to most people, but to me its logical to jump around in a conversation like this. Keep in mind, this blog is coming from a perspective of some one who is neurodivergent, has Autism, and Borderline.
I know how to translate my thoughts to people, but I am purposely jumping around to show you how people like me think. This Masterpiece is meant show how my mind works, educate the public. I know I can manipulate people, I do this on purpose in my content, I do it on purpose to people who think I am incompetent, but if you are a friend of mine, a supporter, I never manipulate unless I am playing a joke.
Every day I play zombies or a fast paced game now with my playlist. I no longer need my lights to sync to music. I just process my thoughts and feelings while I game , regulate, and relax. I encourage anyone who has listened or read this far to incorporate a form of bilateral stimulation into your life, whether its going for a hike, driving a car, or any way you relax and enjoy life. All you will have to do is process whatever is on your mind when it pops up, it is really easy.
Now here is the hard part for everyone still listening or reading. If you undergo EMDR, the caveat is that you have to relive all of your trauma, mentally, emotionally, and physically and process all the thoughts and feelings that come with them. This means I had to relive the loss of two children, the bullying and treatment I received through out my life, the trauma from the Marine Corps I endured, and the bleach my abuser forced down my throat as a young child.
The convulsions, anxiety, and the torment she forced upon me and what it did to my family. I almost died during my therapy and recovery several times from what she did to me, I can still feel the burn of the bleach in my throat and what it did to my brain. I had to relive all of this over and over until I could accept the pain and process the emotions. It has been an living hell and will always have flashbacks but now I am able to handle them.
If I can endure all of that and live through it, recover to a point I feel safe to be my true-self again, anyone can face their trauma. I know it is scary and hard to do, but if you want someone to support you through it, I will be there every step of the process sharing my intelligence, passion, and strength with you. I promise you that RAGE will keep you protected in the states of vulnerability. All you have to do is reach out to me and I will have your back, but if you play games with me or try to manipulate me in a deceitful way, I will hold you accountable and make an example out of you just like I did jackass. If you are the kind of person that can rise to my expectations, you will always be welcome.
For those that have supported me during this, to include Connection is the Cure, the Chief of Police, Trinity Audio, AccessiBee, Woojer, Krav Maga Experts, and everyone else, it has been an honor, thank you! The level of energy I put into this is normal again, no more burst, I have been at this level for 6 months now.
Sincerely,
Mikey