Hello World,
The search and challenges looking for my inner peace are over. I am back being myself on the inside, and how I present on the outside. I had to disassociate as Mikey on the outside and let RAGE be present. I did my best to be as kind and gentle as I could as I went through my therapy, but I know I was very abrasive to some. However once I was done with the therapy, feeling safe from jackass, and completed the steps I needed to complete to reassociate my identity as Mikey, I found my inner peace.
I will not allow myself to lose it ever again. This means I have to keep strict boundaries as to who I allow in my life, the environments I am put in, making sure I regulate, and holding myself accountable to my expectations and standards. You might remember the blog posts I made about the system I used to feel secure during my therapy and recovery. The term "Inner Peace" was another one of those terms I used to feel secure.
As I laid out my plan I told the police that I would start to build myself back up after I got back from my New Orleans trip. I told them to reach out to specific gamers and tell them that I needed help finding my "inner peace" again. I started building my streaming platform in September of 2023. When I stepped back into playing Call of Duty's Modern Warfare 3, there was no shortage of gamers wanting to help me out. I did tell the gaming community to test my cognitive skills and I was able to prove to many that everything I was going through was real.
I knew how I presented on camera and my story would make many believe I was actually mentally retarded. I even reached out to my adopted family and asked for their opinion and they told me that a lot of people thought I was crazy, my response was "that's perfect, I have my abusers right where I want them." Unfortunately, when I returned to the public arena of gaming and streaming there were some who tried to take advantage of me, as well as assumed I was mentally retarded and treated me like it. I took offense to this. Even if I was mentally retarded, it is no excuse for anyone to treat me with the disrespect that they did.
Those that treated me that way have been removed from my friends list along with some of their associates. Those that were respectful I am still cool with. I even asked some of these gamers what they were told about me, and they said that they were told that I was looking for my "inner peace." I have reached out to those I was abrasive towards and offered an apology, some accepted it and some refused to hear it. Such is life.
I knew going into this that some would treat me good and bad. I wanted people to treat me bad though. That kind of energy has been fueling the fire that is DEEP inside of me to keep fighting, keep being forgiving to my abusers, and helped me find the courage to both hold my abusers accountable, and ID jackass.
This is how I maintain my inner peace. I love being await late at night. Through out college and my adult life I found that being awake from 10 pm till 4 am is my most productive times. The world becomes darker and quieter, and I am able to thrive. If I do not have to regulate during this time, then I either listen to music that I am in the mood for, research, engage with my followers, or I stream my video games. My true inner peace comes from playing Zombies late at night and listening to music while I play, I set the lights to the settings I want in that moment, and just relax. It is that easy for me.
Do you feel you have inner peace? What do you do to maintain it?
Sincerely,
Mikey