I have been having flashbacks my entire life and damn am I tired of it. For reference, every angry blog post is me having a flashback. I channel that energy into blogging and being Coach Rage, but that wasn't always the case. I used to lash out over it, now I put all right here, it doesn't change the pain I feel inside though, just protects me legally, because they are the ones coming to my blog and reading it, I am not harassing them with my thoughts, so it is a choice on their part to come see what I am doing and talking about. I am only typing my thoughts, and allowing Ai to read my post for those that want it, and I can promise they read this with the emotional intensity they know me to have in real life, that isn't the case, so I will never get through to them. Oh well.
I finally came to a number of what I want from my abuser to be forgiven, but she won't be welcome in my life. Here is the email I sent my father and my abuser.
"Hello,
I am sorry I fucked up the yelling in Arizona thing, but I wasn’t strong enough when you brought it up when I was in the facility.
Since December I have been giving it some thought as to what I would accept as compensation for what she and this family did to me. The statute of limitations has run out and I can not legally sue over this, but you can still do the right thing. You can call this all of my inheritance, deduct it from whatever amount if it is supposed to be more, but I have suffered my entire life and chose the high road only for her to take the low road at every opportunity. All my life have had to relive this and I have at least six to twelve more months of therapy addressing the trauma from all of this. That doesn’t guarantee the flashbacks will stop either, it only means I will have processed it all and able to reclaim some fragments of my life. Every time I am angry about this is me channeling the energy of what the flashbacks do to me. Every angry blog post is a flashback and I will continue to do this work regardless of what you decide.
This is my one and only offer for you to make this right by me. As far as the legal system or God, that is not up to me. Per the rules of Social Security I can not have more than $200,000 at a time. I would like a check for $199,999.00 mailed to me or deposited into my checking account. If my inheritance would be worth more than that, then paying it out early helps me avoid the Social Security rules down the road if you all are worth more than that. I will pay off my car, a personal loan, and then do a few things to ensure my future is taken care of. I don’t care what has to happen to make it work, that should have been thought about before abusing me.
I still stand by my choice of not wanting her and Angela in my life, Bill and Chuck will always be welcome, but the damage is well done and I doubt there is anything left to salvage at this point, which is why I am focused on my well being and my future.
You can hate me, love me, despise me. I am not the one who abused me, I am not the one who gave me Borderline Personality Disorder, she is.
Either way, you are going to do what you are going to do, and I am going to continue living my life how I see fit. If you do this, it doesn’t give you any say in my life, it buys you nothing other than I will allow her to feel forgiven, but as I said, I am not in charge of the legal or religious consequences.
This is not open for discussion, this is not open to negotiate. I know she will never be honest no matter how many chances she gets, so I am moving on with my life.
Thank you,
Mikey"
Not everyone with Borderline gets made whole again, I am doing my best to look out for myself, and given the circumstances of the damage she has caused in my life and to me, I think this is more than fair for her; but I doubt she pays up. I think I have a better chance of selling the rights to my story. The holidays hurt me so much, I have so many memories where the family got together over the years, it is so painful to be around. I spent my entire 4th inside my house minus a trip to the store and I watched the neighborhood light off what they bought.
I have a new blog post up in the Civil side of my blog.
I hope everyone had a good 4th, mine pretty much sucked. I would do anything to stop the pain I have to live with, this is going to be a long six to twelve months of therapy.
Thank you,
Mikey