Have you ever heard the term "Idiot Savant" it is a derogatory term for someone like me, an Autistic Savant, and my ability is to recall memories, because of that I feel I have been sentenced to a life time of hell inside my mind. Cool thing is I am awesome with trivia.
I don't know what to write about so I am just sharing how I feel at the moment. My heart fucking hurts. The thought of people being hurt because I am sharing my story just sucks, I can remain quiet and the world goes on, or I can be myself and I get abandoned by the people I love the most. I love my family, I just hate who they are, they are not people who accept or understand disabilities. I think a few things clicked for my brother and father at Christmas. They had questions for me and I answered them honestly. I don't think anyone understands what living with this is like unless you have it. You can be accommodating and patient, but not understanding of it. It is more than just logic when I verbally speak or do anything.
I do love my Mom, but she abused me, and she refuses to be honest with me to this day. I need honesty in my life and I need to know all parts of my history, and I will never be able to trust her to be honest. It sucks that it comes at the cost of a relationship with my father for me to go down this road. My brother cut ties with me at Christmas and hasn't said a word since. After this post my father dropped off a few of my belongings, a symbolic gesture. There seems to be no format or medium for me to share my art, my story or express myself that my family will accept, I get I talk about them, but they are the ones who did the abusing, lying, gaslighting, believed the lies, alienated me over the lies, or some combo of all of them.
I told my wife I need to switch to being non-verbal as much as I can and we are off to a rough start with it. She will say something and demand an answer, and I don't want to speak, so then she pushes which is a trigger, and then we have to negotiate peace, I can't wait for marriage counseling, we are waiting on Community Care from the VA to get us a therapist. I do better when I can just type, there is no emotion coming from me, how each person reads it will be different, where as when I speak my thoughts like this, the "no filter" portion of the disabilities comes out and people accuse me of emotions that I disagree with, and they are usually negative emotions.
I would do anything to have a new life, wipe my memory clean, but I am cursed with my ability to recall memories. Doing this line of work is definitely a trigger and increases the frequency of flashbacks, however I have been having them my whole life. I would do anything to not feel this pain. I would do anything for my abuser to be honest about everything. but that ship sailed. I feel crushed. I am tired of living like this. My wife accepts me and loves me, my best friend accepts me and loves me, but that feels like thats the list. I know people love me, but they don't accept me for who I am.
I got tired of, and hated having to, explain my disabilities to people all the time and I don't have the energy at the moment to go make new friends, learn a new hobby, or do anything really. I am emotionally zapped and still got six to twelve months left of therapy. Then what? I lost my brother, my father, I don't really care about my sister, and well if my abuser would have told the truth I wouldn't have lost my mother. My biological son and I will never have a relationship because of this, and my step-son is now doing his own thing and starts college this fall. My wife is being incredibly supportive but I know she is stressed out with all of this, she has another trip planned in about 10 days, and then I leave for a week in September. Time away is a good thing sometimes, especially when you around each other 24/7.
The world is a lonely place sometimes, this is one of those times. I wish I never learned to speak, I come across nicer, funnier, and more competent through typing than I do by speaking.
This is the other day with the pup!
Thank you,
Mikey