I have heard more than once the ignorance in people in regards to being self-aware of a mental illness. There seems to be some sort of myth that those of us with a mental illness can't have a mental illness if we are aware of it. Last September as I was playing blackjack in New Orleans, I met a children's pediatrician who made the same comment to me, so I asked him how does someone have a broken leg if they are aware they have a broken leg? He got flustered, but it drove home the point of we can be self-aware of our disabilities.
I had always known I was different just never knew the diagnoses until I got to the Marine Corps. My entire life I had been treated differently than my peers, I always scored in the 99th percentile on any standardized test I took, and how "normal" people describe emotions & feelings never described how I felt when I thought I felt the same. I just quit caring about those things and let my performances speak for themselves, and most of the time that wasn't enough.
In the Marines I finally met men who would tell me the truth, and men who accepted me for my ability to perform at the same level of them or higher. In bootcamp I had Drill Instructors try to break me, I could hear their whispers about me and how "I didn't know." My first duty station in 29 Palms, CA, in 1st Tank Battalion I had one of my Sergeants come up to me and he said "you are one of those nerdy smart motherfuckers who don't know it aren't ya?" I responded with "I know it, I just don't care." I had others straight up sit me down and tell me I was Autistic, and after I got the Borderline Personality Disorder diagnoses from the Navy I still fought to stay in but after I educated myself on what they were, inside I knew the diagnoses were right.
I find it highly offensive and inappropriate that so many "normal" civilians aren't able to verbalize my disabilities. I have always been self-aware I am different and I have had to stand-up for myself more than once, and I hear "we were just having fun." My idea of fun involves Krav Maga.
It feels like now for me to be accepted I have to acknowledge my disabilities, to me that has always meant acknowledging my abuse, which I wanted to leave in a closet locked away, but my abuser wants me silenced. She poured bleach down my throat and over my eyes as a child to try and cover up her abuse, because I threatened to tell on her to the police, I finally did that last week. Someone in my family put a plunger up my rectum, Im 99% sure its my only male cousin on my father's side, he whispered "Everything was fine until you came along."
Autism is evolution of the brain, its that simple we are higher level thinkers and because we have so many emotions tied to our memories I am able to relive them when I want to, but the harder part is reliving them when I don't want to, flashbacks suck. I am going to use my gifts to stop people like my abuser, raise awareness about the flaws in YOUR legal system, and the flaws in how YOU are approaching mental illness.
Do I seem self-aware now? Anyone think I am still checked out? Are you self-aware? Are you okay with how you have treated people with disabilities? I know some of you should be ashamed and forced to walk a mile in our shoes.
If you can't handle me when I am down, I won't let you around me when I am up. I have loyalty tattooed on me for a reason.
Thank you,
Mikey