Let me ask you all a question, what is going to get more clicks, views, and likes, a poker face who never expresses themself, or someone who lets it rip and shows an array of emotions to the camera?
I think a lot of people do not understand how people with borderline personality disorder process & express our emotions. There are a few things that go into our emotions and why they appear to be intense, big, over the top, etc... The part of the brain that processes emotions is called the amygdala, and for us its essentially broken. What I feel inside is usually amplified and comes out way more intense or bigger, so I can either let it rip and be me, only be what the simple minded call "appropriate" or wear a poker face all day and react to nothing.
An example of this is when I am gaming, I know video games are not real and for me they are an outlet. I can play a game of Madden or Call of Duty and have a big play happen, good or bad, and my reaction is for that moment only. It does not carry on. I might get mad, but to you all it appears I am "RAGING," on the other hand, I might celebrate a great play and to me I am just happy but to you it comes across as really EXCITED. However the simple minded somehow can not seem to grasp these concepts regardless of how much your research and science says about us. Your perspectives are not reality neither is your perception.
For those that watch my stream I find it totally appropriate to express myself in my home how I want and when I am competing. I consider multiplayer video games to be competing just like a pick up game of basketball, football, or baseball. To be clear what you see when I am streaming are real emotions and reactions to what I am experiencing at the moment, but they do not remain, I move on and get ready for the next play. If I stub my toe in the middle of the night you will most likely hear me cuss, I'll try to be quiet but it will still be loud but it doesn't mean I am mad the rest of the day. I am just expressing myself in that moment. You all see this as a roller coaster of emotions because of your perception, but I disagree with that assessment.
Another factor is things we have been taught to be normal. I have spoken before about my father's temper and my grandmother's husbands temper, and the things I have witnessed. I also witnessed things I thought were appropriate playing sports that weren't. Growing up in Vallejo, I was exposed to a lot of things that I thought was normal, like playing a pick up game of basketball as a 10 year old, and when someone got fouled, I watched him pull out a set of brass knuckles with a blade at the end to confront the fouler, and then we got back to playing basketball once everyone had cooled down. The shit talking that happens on the court or the field is just that, same when I game.
Part of my streams is I talk about the abuse I have endured and there are emotions tied to them. I employ a technique called method acting to tap into the emotions in my experiences to act out different parts of my life. Those emotions are just as authentic and real as my reaction to a running back dropping a pass in Madden, and just like my reactions to video games, those emotions do not last, they are just part of that moment as I relive what happened to me.
Let's recap so far, we have the broken amygdala, our experiences where we learned to behave, our intent, and other people not understanding that what they see isn't our reality. For me that is the worst part of people. I don't know how to explain that when you see me "raging" it isn't really rage inside me or me celebrating isn't me being super excited, to society sure sometimes, but thats not reality or my intent, so theres a misunderstanding I feel on your parts. I am going to be me, and you need to essentially translate my emotions.
I could do the poker face approach when I stream but thats boring. I love gaming, love celebrating (you should see me throw $1,000 on a hand of blackjack and be able to split aces, pull two tens and win that hand), shit talking (Let me use my intelligence and wit), and I know you all love to see what you think is "RAGE" and to me it is totally normal to get frustrated and snap a controller in half, grab another one and get to the next play. I don't act this way out in public, I do my best to fit in, however I am still me and can laugh, rage, or any other emotion/reaction on command.
I hope everyone had a great Father's Day. I tried reaching out via email to my father and got no response. After some reflection I have also made the decision to no longer want my brother in my life too, he has ghosted me for quite sometime now and has said he is afraid of me seeking revenge (Yet he moved in to my house with his daughter, has been alone with me countless times over the years, gave me the code to his garage so I could let myself in when visiting, boy do I feel betrayed by him). I know he is armed and has a motive to hurt me as well.
The only person from my family that I feel really made an effort to get to know me was my father, and well no response. If anyone out there reading or listening to this feels they need a family or community, as long as you treat people good, you are welcome to hang out with me. I will be getting my Discord server set up this summer, in the mean time you are more than welcome to game with me if I have room or hangout in my stream's chat.
Remember, if you see someone having big emotions that you feel are inappropriate, it might be you misunderstanding what someone is expressing. Ever look at it from that perspective?
If our expressions aren't breaking the law, why do you care?
Thank you,
Mikey
P.S. Don't forget to check out my "Civil Blog" and "Merchandise."