Hello Everyone,
This post comes from my heart, it is hurting tonight. It feels heavy and weighing me down. I called my wife and she consoled me some, but suggested I keep blogging because as she said, she notices I am more peaceful with this approach. I want to be clear that I do not want the results from my family that I am receiving. I wanted my abuser to come clean cause then it would be a lot easier to share my story. All I want to do is to keep advocating and sharing my story, I wanted my families blessing on it, however I didn't want to manipulate them to agree to it, I wanted it to be on their own.
I know my father and brother do not approve. My brother told me at Christmas he is now physically afraid of me, only because I am Mikey, I have always been Mikey on the inside, I was Mikey when he and his daughter moved in to my home. My father gets what I say taken out on him by her, but its not my fault what she is doing, its HER FAULT. I wanted my abuser to own up to what she did, tell me about what happened to me and all I have gotten is stonewalled and lies. Why my sister ever taught her kids that I am a "crazy retard" is beyond me. Who is the crazy retard who organized the logistics to move her and her children's belongings into her new house? At any point in the past 20 years I could have gotten revenge. I do not consider me sharing my story as revenge, I consider this as advocating. Unfortunately it is hurting people, but thats not on me. That is on them, and I wish they could get over their egos so that we could mend this, but I doubt that will ever happen.
I asked my brother at Christmas how much longer I had to keep pretend playing dumb until I could share my story, he couldn't give me an answer. Apparently keeping this secret for as long as I have isn't long enough for them. All I have wanted in my life is to be accepted and have a family, and even my own family doesn't want me, they want who they want me to be, and well that isn't fair to me. I want all of them to change for me then. See how fucking stupid that sounds? Why can't we accept one another for the differences we have? I do that all the time.
This is the part of this that hurts and I knew it would. I know they love me, and I love them, but I am not respected at all by them. Mike is respected, but Mike was as fake as I made him, it was me on the inside, my intelligence, my compassion, my ability to persevere, my ability to endure, my charisma, my jokes, my wit, and on the outside Mike was who they wanted me to be. I feel alone in a sense, but if this is what it is, then I accept it. I know my advocacy work is for a much greater good. Do you really think I enjoyed shitting myself on camera? Do you really think I enjoy being so vulnerable? There are days I want to crawl under a rock, but I still show up.
I do love you all, I know you love me, just wish you respected me as much as you hate me talking about this.
Thank you,
Mikey