Hello World,
Check this out, throw on Lady Gaga Hold my Hand from the Top Gun Soundtrack and listen to it while you read or listen to this post, you might feel what I feel. I just got back from walking my block like I said in the previous one and here we go. I know I am paying to advertise this right now, however out of the impressions there are those who do click, and yesterday at the end of the day it was like 260 and today its over 336. I like to dream big, and think that out of those that end up here that most take something out of this, maybe plants a seed on how we should all be better, what accountability looks like, what justice feels like. I hope my efforts are not wasted, and I don't mean justice wise, that will play out how it is meant to play out. I meant that I hope my efforts do help make the world a better place some way.
I am not really angry over losing them, Im more just hurt that I have to feel their pain. I wish I could give them hugs right now, this will all be okay, this is what healing looks like and we have to close the wound as a family, and that requires us to go through this. We need to be looking out for Angela, she has her health issues, and her kids have an uphill battle, but instead we gotta deal with this shit. Angie, if you would just fucking show some respect towards me, it feels like you believe her, and you are free to, but you are wrong. Like once again I have to be the one to put myself out here like this, this is what damage looks like, but I will say this, if you all want to keep distance, you are all free to do that, if you want to heal then the four of us are entitled to heal, you didn't do anything wrong, I told you that I forgave you all, you didn't fail me, I turned out liking who I am, I just hate what happened to me, and to us.
This is me in my late 20's, on a weekend get away with my 1st wife to Lake Tahoe. I feel like I have a broken heart and my wife left today, all alone to feel these today. I have to get used to feeling okay with losing everyone for a while, who knows what fate has in store. Again, remember, what you are feeling right now is NORMAL to me, and my Brother & Father told me at Christmas that my normal is not normal, I wasn't sure to make of that, but I get it, thats the effect of the borderline personality disorder, being so in tune when I am regulated and the amygdala being over active, I feel things INTENSELY. I hope that works on some of you, I know it works on my Brother and Father the first time I mentioned this.
Like I said, I don't think people understand the damage done to me, again I am not complaining, just channeling all of this energy into blog post, as I get ready for NCAA 25, I'll take a step back and let the brain rest, and then do this again in a few weeks, and just keep dumping out my memories into what I call a living blog. This is supposed to be fluid, just like I feel emotions, so you might feel the anger, or the love, or the joy, but what I said about my Brother and Father, and those emotions, they are real, I do hurt from this, I am not angry, it would be stupid and a waste of ME, to be angry anymore, I have done all I can do to pursue justice, that is more than a lot of people get to say. I will accept any outcome and live with the consequences.
To quote my favorite Rapper, "I am, whoever you say I am," I like to think that once again, I have proven to be Mikey, would you agree?
Thank you,
Mikey